January 18, 2022
With exceptional brightness, this loving Leo full moon has stirred energies of creativity, passion, and purpose. The shadow our grandmother creates, however, is the awareness of the heaviness still inside us as we walk toward the light.
It was with surprise that I encountered old relationships that I had supposed I had put to rest, sometimes, admittedly, with anger and hurt that led to the walking away. Our teachers are often the people who hurt us the most, and keep us on our toes, helping us ever to ascend, by reinforcing the lessons periodically, lest we forget.
My mother, my greatest teacher, is a woman I love from afar. Her traumas became my traumas, her abuse became my abuse, her struggle became my struggle. Her trauma also became my lesson – what its like to live with trauma, what it is like to live with someone else’s trauma, what it feels like to have a traumatized attachment figure, how trauma affects families, development and relationships. And overall, she taught me the importance of healing, by her refusal to heal. She taught me the importance of forgiveness and grace.
She came back to me, reached out the other day during this moon, and immediately entered her trauma state and patterns. We cannot talk without her triggers and resulting hurt. Love cannot be heard, through the unhealed wound of her childhood. I have spent my life healing my own wound in order to hear love.
Memories flooded, six decades of sadness, fear and aloneness. It was hard not to sink into the shadow.
I sit and reflected on Ho’oponopono, roughly translated “cause things to move back in balance”. Simple yet profound words…
I’M SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU
I know my decision to step away from contact with my mother, except in an spiritual loving sense, hurts her. She does not understand and cannot see beyond herself. She needs and she takes and she hurts to survive. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a source of hurt, to her and I am sorry that she hurts as I make decisions for my healing. We cannot stay willing in abuse and the separation is painful, vital and healing to our own spirit. I ask forgiveness that my health brings pain to her.
Without my mother and her struggles, and the pain and confusion that she brought to me, complexly sprinkled with love here and there, I would not be who I am and could not see, feel and help heal the pain that others have known as I have. I am so gratefulfor this experience and grateful for the lessons that allow living beyond where she lives in that shadow.
I love her. I love the sacrifice she made for me, to be my teacher. I love the divineness of her. I send her love everyday…from afar.
We are allowed to heal and to leave that which hurt us. Our acceptance and appreciation of these lessons make everyone’s suffering worth the while. Standing in gratitude, humbleness and love, we will all reach our higher selves. The light of this Leo Moon softens the world and opens our hearts, allowing possibility for the journey into wellness.